How to be an Expat

Life as an expat is very different to normal life. Whatever your lifestyle is back in the UK, in Indonesia you are considered wealthy and generally 'well to do'. However, the transition is not always easy, and so here is a handy guide to living in the lap of luxury in the tropical island of Borneo....

Staff

It is essential to employ household staff, because as soon as you reach Indonesia, you will suddenly be unable to drive, garden, cook, clean, wash, iron etc. In fact, you may struggle to get out of bed in the morning. The minimum number of staff required is 3 - a driver, a security guard/gardener and a maid, although if you have children, more than one maid is expected. There is no need to feel lazy because you have staff, and if anyone from the UK questions you, remember that 'you employ staff to help the local economy and provide job opportunities for Indonesians. You are not exploiting them by expecting them to work for about a pound a day, since this is the going rate.'

Trips to Singapore

To be maximised, and taken advantage of at all opportunities. Make sure you plan your holidays with a stopover in Singapore, and be prepared to go on day trips for visas and medical visits. The more unscrupulous expats develop simple ailments which cause little pain, but require treatment in Singapore. Having a cyst on your wrist is one example. A spot of cartillage trouble in your knee is another. Beware - some conditions do not require trips to Singapore (eg chicken pox), or are associated with an unacceptable amount of pain (eg childbirth), so think hard before succumbing to these conditions. Of course, the main reason to go is for the Shopping opportunities, but there is also the chance to eat proper food....

Holidays

These must be taken frequently and to even more far flung places than Indonesia - no more 'a week by the sea in Southend'! Acceptable destinations are Bali, Palu (Sulawesi) and Sarawak (Malaysian Borneo) if you only have a few days to spare, or Australia and New Zealand if you have more time. The aim of the holiday is not to see interesting sites or undertake cultural activities, but to eat good food (and maybe get a sun tan). Don't forget, as an expat your standards are higher. You may have been happy to stay in a B&B in the UK, but anything less than 5 star hotels are not acceptable for expats!

Coffee

An essential activity for all expat wives - inviting people over for coffee, or going to 'coffee mornings' elsewhere. Really it is just a chance to eat biscuits which have been bought from Singapore, or the latest cooking creation of the maid (in our case, carrot cake), and a chance to chat (because that's what women do).

Sporting activities

This is simple. Golf. Whether you have been playing all your life, or are just a beginner, golf is the only sporting activity to consider. Admittedly, such lesser sports as football, volleyball, tennis, swimming, cycling and sailing also exist, but only when the golf course is closed. There is also the Hash (a cross country run through the countryside around Balikpapan), but it is very difficult to judge whether this is sport, or just an opportunity to drink.

Children

These are essential expat accessories, since what else is there for an expat wife to do? If you have none before you expat, consider obtaining them whilst you are expatting. This has the additional advantage of increasing Trips to Singapore.