How to Eat as an Indonesian in Balikpapan

You may think that living in Indonesia presents great opportunities for eating exotic foods, and although you may be right, you must be prepared to take the rough with the smooth...

Airline food

However short your flight may be, in Indonesia you will always be served 'refreshments'. If you are really unlucky, you will be served a 'meal'.....

"Ladies and Gentlemen, please pay attention to the following safety briefing. The cabin crew will shortly be wheeling their trolleys (with no brakes) down the aisles in order to serve your 'food/meal/refreshments'.

Your gastronomic tray will consist of:

• a spring roll, or other fried thing.
• an aluminium covered 'dish' containing rice with fried prawn-like stuff - don't worry if your dish isn't warm, since it has been left on the runway overnight after the previous flight.
• plastic cutlery, which is wrapped in a paper serviette. Don't forget to pick off the debris from the previous user!
• some orange juice served in a 'sealed' container. In case of emergency, pull tub to release contents. On no account should you check the seal, or you may realise that the 'sealed' container has just been refilled.
• a plastic cup, for your half-water-half-coke 'drink', even though you ordered sprite.

Finally, we will pass among you to carefully collect your plastic cups, which will be precariously stacked on our trolley, ready for the next flight.

To prepare for landing, please stow your table and pass any remaining food to the Indonesian passenger in the neighbouring seat, for him to share with his family.

We look forward to having you on board our Air Indonesia flight, and hope to provide you with an equally bad service next time you fly with us."

Delicacies

It may be hard to believe, even though it has been featured in the Jakarta Post, but chicken feet are an Indonesian delicacy. You can buy them raw in Hero, and here's how to cook them: First boil them (to help loosen the skin), and then remove the skin. Leave them to dry on a table in the sun for 1 week, but make sure you put some sticky stuff on the table legs to keep the ants away, since chicken feet are also a delicacy for ants. After 1 week, they are ready to be fried, and served as an aperitif! Yummy!

Desserts

There are two varieties: the green spongey one, and the pink 'Mr Blobby' one, although do not be confused - you can sometimes find pink spongey ones and green 'Mr Blobby' ones. Our culinary correspondant (Jerome) has actually sampled the green spongey one, and can report that 'banana taste is as close as it can be described'. The culinary correspondant turned on his heels when faced with the pink 'Mr Blobby' one.

Fast food

This comes in the form of 'warungs' which line the streets of Balikpapan. They sell things like rice, noodles and other fried stuff, all served in a banana leaf or newspaper. There are also some disturbing jars of green and red stuff, but I don't know what they are. Eat at your peril - food hygiene is an unknown concept in Balikpapan.

Seafood

it's not all bad - the best food to be found in Balikpapan is the local seafood - you can have all manner of sea/river creatures, and the prawns really are 'this big!' By the way - does anyone know the definitive reason why lobsters are blue when raw and pink when cooked?