Indonesian Nightlife

Talking to some of the local Indonesians, they say that they like Balikpapan because of its relative serenity, the lack of distractions in life and the accessibility to the golf course... precisely the reasons why I find it hard to cope - I need my distractions and noise!

The only escape I have is to take a trek into town to sample the local nightlife - a bit like to Mr Benn walking through the door of the shop to his latest adventure. Whilst this can be wild and exiting, it can also be fraught with obstacles and challenges....

Buying your drink
A necessary task in any bar, but unlike the UK, you don't have to go up to the bar itself and ask for a drink. Rather, stand around in your chosen location looking slightly lost and someone (usually young, female and wearing a short skirt) will come up to you and ask what you would like. Naturally, you might assume assume she is referring to drink (see 'The Professionals' for other options) and order your favorite tipple (see 'Drinks' for options). Be warned - at this stage, you shouldn't attempt to pay; your drinks will be recorded and you will get a bill at the end. The bar tenders have an uncanny knack of locating your bill, no matter how many other people are in the bar, how many times you all swap seats, or how many extra people join you, they will always locate your bill.

Drinks
There is a startling selection of drinks available...NOT!! There are two beers, Anker and Bintang, both of which are not particularly strong (but see 'The Journey Home') and taste of absolutely nothing. Corona is a third but more expensive option, and that's it. If you enjoy fine wines, wonderful whiskey or a connoisseur of bitter or cider, you may well be disappointed.

Pool
Playing pool is a favorite pastime for the early parts of the evenings. The game is similar to that which is played in the UK or US, but with one difference: In the UK the table is traditionally flat, but this is generally not the case in Indonesia, where playing without the 'slope' is considered unusual. And don't worry if your pool partner is late - one of the girls in the bar will happily play you, until you can no longer stand the humiliation of being trounced by a pint-sized girl, even if she has played the game every night of her life since she was six.
Whoever your partner is, you must never set up the balls for the next game. This is a task solely for the girl in the short skirt working in the bar. Do not put her out of a job.

The Professionals
After you have been in the bar a while, you've played pool and you are ready to settle down and listen to the band. But out of the corner of your eye, you notice a group of giggling girls who are smiling and pointing at you. Then, the dreaded words 'hello mister' are uttered in your ear... someone wants to be your friend. You have a decision to make: they could just be being friendly, interested to chat about the topic of the day and to practice their English, or their motives could be less honorable. A quick glance around your chosen bar will reveal that most of the clientele are fat, balding grey haired men, often accompanied by an almost perfectly beautiful Indonesian girl who (hopefully) has completed her final year of school. As an expat is often viewed as someone with money and consequently someone worth spending time with regardless of appearance, these 'Professional Girls' will get your money by encouraging you to buy them drinks, or to sleep with them, or openly ask for your money. Deciding what your new found friend wants is perhaps the most difficult decision you will have to make, and can be the difference between an enjoyable or expensicw night, and be warned - your 'friend' may now be with you (whether you like it or not) for the rest of the evening, and maybe longer!

The Playlist
Most bars will provide either Karaoke or a band. You can recognize the band easily because they are the only guys in the country to have long hair, and the girls all look and dress like 'professionals' but don't come up and talk to you. At the point they begin playing, you can finally identify what type of bar you are in. If your head explodes immediately due to the unbelievable decibel level, you are in a predominantly Indonesian bar. If the volume merely permanently deafens you, be thankful that the band has considerately reduced the volume for the less hardy western ears - you are in a bar where expats are welcome. After a few visits to numerous bars, it becomes clear that there is s a certain pattern to the songs played. In fact, throughout Indonesia, every band in every bar plays almost exactly the same set of songs - 'The Playlist' - you can get a greater variety of music on Virgin Radio!

The Nightclub
After you have had several 'Anker' beers, and selected your new found friend (carefully avoiding the professionals), you decide to round off the evening in a club or late night Karaoke bar. Whatever you choose, you can be confident that neither will have more than one light bulb, and that is only to help you pay the bill at the end.

The Journey Home
Now, this is important. Don't forget to 'lose' you new friend before returning home to your wife, as it can lead to all kinds of complications if you don't. It is also recommended not to leave her your telephone number, as repeated rendezvous with your friend will only lead to serious questioning from your wife.

As you are now alone and the evening has ended, you must attempt to get yourself home. Those who have planned well, will have arranged for their driver to work overtime and transport them home safely. For those who only 'popped out for a quick drink' and decided to stay out several hours because they liked their new 'friend' must now evaluate their ability to drive against the Indonesian drink drive laws. From two years of experience, it appears you are judged perfectly safe to drive if you can focus (at least partly) on the dashboard in front of you. Once you have passed that test, you can transport yourself back from the dark world to meet back with your wife and family - as Mr Benn walks back through the door of the shop - at least that's what you think. In a few hours the true evil of 'Anker' hits you, and you will wake up in a few hours time with the mother of all headaches, only to have to attend to the daily family chores.

Jakarta
No guide to Indonesian nightlife would be complete without a word on Jakarta. Going to Jakarta means staying at just one place - the Shangri-La Hotel, with its famous bar 'BATS'. You are almost guaranteed to meet other colleagues from Borneo who are also staying here the night. You will spend the night having to fend off several girls with various motives who want to be your 'friend'. The bands are generally excellent (volume set at only a temporary deafness level) and the party atmosphere continues to about 2 am. Those adventurous enough can continue the evening at one of several nightclubs, for example ''Tiga Puluh' offers a similar evening out, but the bar is set rather low - low enough in fact to fool the girls in short skirts to think it is actually the dance floor - with the result that a line of middle aged, fat, balding expats forms along the outside of the bar.....